I was skiing at Snowshoe Mountain Resort in West Virginia; it was a calm day and a relaxing run down the mountain on a easy/green slope and I could hear nothing but my own breath. I had plenty of time to think and I kept pondering why all of a sudden I was so fearful of going down a Black Diamond run. It was in this moment that I realized my priorities have shifted so much since becoming a mom and it dawned on me that I am a totally different person than I was before.
"You just wait, life will never be the same." You hear it over and over when you're pregnant but you really cannot grasp the magnitude until you experience it. I have learned more about myself and life since becoming a mother than I ever thought was possible and I continue to learn a different lesson every single day. I was prepared for the lack of sleep, money, and time for myself but I wasn't prepared for the identity crisis I experienced. The change has been so drastic for me that it has been a tough pill to swallow!
1. I now love routines and being organized
Some people possess these qualities even before they become parents, but my "old self" was a complete hot mess. Broken phones, lost credit cards, empty tanks of gas was a normal occurrence for me. It never bothered me, but now that other people RELY ON ME, I would say I am a completely different person as far as organization is concerned.
When I first met my father-in-law he asked me a question that I still remember. He asked "Do you enjoy routines or are you spontaneous?" My response was simply "I haaaate routines! They are so boring! That is no way to live! I like to be spontaneous and live on the edge every single day." It should also be noted that my father-in-law did the exact routine every single day (down to where he ate breakfast for the past 20 years) and I thought that was the craziest thing.
Fast forward 10 years and here I am in a specific routine every single day of the week. My time is more valuable to me now as I have more to accomplish during the day. On Sundays I meal prep, on Friday nights I sanitize bottles. Every morning I wake up and head to the gym while every night I stay on task with prepping lunches for the next day, making sure school bags and outfits are laid out and ready to go. I find great pleasure in being organized and crossing things off my "to do" list is weirdly satisfying. It makes me feel empowered to have everything done and ready to go. It makes me feel like I set myself up for success for the next day.
2. I now have feelings
I don't know why I used to pride myself in being guarded. I think before I had children, I thought of emotional people as weak, high-maintenance, and annoying. Here I am now, a full-blown emotional individual with strong feelings.
I cry over everything now. A commercial about a couple growing old together using Glade products over the years, hearing gut-wrenching stories of childhood cancers and reading articles about missing children. They are no longer just a sweet face on the news, they are SOMEONE'S CHILDREN.
I think I hate this change the most because it makes me vulnerable and that is just an uneasy feeling. I have learned to take the good with the bad here. I don't get to experience such an intense love without the vulnerability that comes with it and I have come to accept that.
3. I am now afraid and always mindful
When I was little I remember a specific scenario when we were all enjoying the sunset with hot chocolate while sitting with our legs dangling off the edge of the Grand Canyon. My mom was annoyingly very anxious and this is just one of a million examples where she can now smirk and say "I told you so." We went camping the other weekend and instead of pine straw I envisioned snakes, instead of a beautiful lake I envisioned drowning. I seem to always be hyper-aware of my surroundings and looking out for the worst possible scenarios with each situation. I guess with this mother-child bond comes these insane protective instincts that I now possess, which brings me back to my new fears of basically anything adventurous.
I always knew that I could die skydiving, rock climbing, even skiing but I never thought too much of it. My attitude was always "You only live once! If I die at least it will be doing something really cool and fun." Looking up at the Black Diamond sign I thought to myself, "How am I going to help with my two children if I break my femur bone?" I decided to still tackle those black diamonds that day, but I was definitely not fearless in doing so. I did not get quite the adrenaline rush that I used to get and I did not feel as though I accomplished something when I reached the bottom. I felt relieved when I reached the bottom and all in one piece (and ready for a beer)!
I think it is smart to always weigh the "risk to reward" ratio when it comes to adventurous activities. My Bucket List has drastically changed as I may no longer have the desire to bungee jump off a bridge, but that doesn't mean I want to live my life sitting indoors either. I still want to experience "safe" adventures like camping/hiking in the Grand Canyon with my family (sans legs danging off the rim)! I may not be an "adrenaline-junkie" anymore, but that means all my hyperactive energy can be used to keep up with these kiddos!
Change is hard, but inevitable. I was so stubborn in admitting that I have changed in every sense of the word. Maybe it was because I liked the qualities about my old self; carefree, adventurous, and guarded. When I really sit back and think about who I have become, I realize I may have liked myself before, but I LOVE and am proud of myself now. Being a mom is my greatest accomplishment and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!
with Kenny Walters, Tyler and Rebecca Foss, Bryan and Holly Pendergraft
1. I now love routines and being organized
Some people possess these qualities even before they become parents, but my "old self" was a complete hot mess. Broken phones, lost credit cards, empty tanks of gas was a normal occurrence for me. It never bothered me, but now that other people RELY ON ME, I would say I am a completely different person as far as organization is concerned.
When I first met my father-in-law he asked me a question that I still remember. He asked "Do you enjoy routines or are you spontaneous?" My response was simply "I haaaate routines! They are so boring! That is no way to live! I like to be spontaneous and live on the edge every single day." It should also be noted that my father-in-law did the exact routine every single day (down to where he ate breakfast for the past 20 years) and I thought that was the craziest thing.
Fast forward 10 years and here I am in a specific routine every single day of the week. My time is more valuable to me now as I have more to accomplish during the day. On Sundays I meal prep, on Friday nights I sanitize bottles. Every morning I wake up and head to the gym while every night I stay on task with prepping lunches for the next day, making sure school bags and outfits are laid out and ready to go. I find great pleasure in being organized and crossing things off my "to do" list is weirdly satisfying. It makes me feel empowered to have everything done and ready to go. It makes me feel like I set myself up for success for the next day.
2. I now have feelings
I don't know why I used to pride myself in being guarded. I think before I had children, I thought of emotional people as weak, high-maintenance, and annoying. Here I am now, a full-blown emotional individual with strong feelings.
I cry over everything now. A commercial about a couple growing old together using Glade products over the years, hearing gut-wrenching stories of childhood cancers and reading articles about missing children. They are no longer just a sweet face on the news, they are SOMEONE'S CHILDREN.
I think I hate this change the most because it makes me vulnerable and that is just an uneasy feeling. I have learned to take the good with the bad here. I don't get to experience such an intense love without the vulnerability that comes with it and I have come to accept that.
3. I am now afraid and always mindful
When I was little I remember a specific scenario when we were all enjoying the sunset with hot chocolate while sitting with our legs dangling off the edge of the Grand Canyon. My mom was annoyingly very anxious and this is just one of a million examples where she can now smirk and say "I told you so." We went camping the other weekend and instead of pine straw I envisioned snakes, instead of a beautiful lake I envisioned drowning. I seem to always be hyper-aware of my surroundings and looking out for the worst possible scenarios with each situation. I guess with this mother-child bond comes these insane protective instincts that I now possess, which brings me back to my new fears of basically anything adventurous.
with Rebecca Foss
I think it is smart to always weigh the "risk to reward" ratio when it comes to adventurous activities. My Bucket List has drastically changed as I may no longer have the desire to bungee jump off a bridge, but that doesn't mean I want to live my life sitting indoors either. I still want to experience "safe" adventures like camping/hiking in the Grand Canyon with my family (sans legs danging off the rim)! I may not be an "adrenaline-junkie" anymore, but that means all my hyperactive energy can be used to keep up with these kiddos!
Change is hard, but inevitable. I was so stubborn in admitting that I have changed in every sense of the word. Maybe it was because I liked the qualities about my old self; carefree, adventurous, and guarded. When I really sit back and think about who I have become, I realize I may have liked myself before, but I LOVE and am proud of myself now. Being a mom is my greatest accomplishment and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!
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